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# The Athenian

Read for The Athenian | Write for The Athenian | Athenian for The Athenian

## Sitemaps

- [XML Sitemap](https://cwruathenian.org/sitemap.xml): Contains all public & indexable URLs for this website.

## Posts

- [Seymour Krelborn](https://cwruathenian.org/seymour-krelborn/) - Dear AskAthenian, First of all, I have to warn you that what I’m about to tell you may sound… strange. Oh well… here goes nothing. You see, I live downtown. That’s my home address. I live downtown, down on Skid Row. Yeah, my life’s a mess. Well, anyway, I was walking in the wholesale flower
- [webcontenttest](https://cwruathenian.org/webcontenttest/) - Lorem ipsum. Category "Web Article"
- [the desk of Eric K., age 69](https://cwruathenian.org/the-desk-of-eric-k-age-69/) - To Ms. Tention, Do you have any writing advice? I need to write a very important letter for my school. I want to make it sound super official so that everybody reads it and agrees with me. From the desk of Eric K., age 69 Dear Eric, You did a nice job on this letter!
- [Timmy J., age 10](https://cwruathenian.org/timmy-j-age-10/) - Dear Dee, Can you help me with my science fair project? [My science teacher] wants me to make a baking soda volcano but I wanna play Fortnite instead. I’m gonna be a Twitch streamer like Ninja when I grow up. Timmy J., age 10 Dear Tim, Only nerds do their homework. Get that Victory Royale,
- [Taylor B., age 10](https://cwruathenian.org/taylor-b-age-10/) - Dear Dee, My teacher said I’m very smart. I can read at a 9th grade level even though I’m only in the 4th grade. My parents want me to skip to 5th grade because I get bored in class but I want to be with my friends. What can I do to convince them to
- [Johnny T., age 6](https://cwruathenian.org/johnny-t-age-6/) - Dear Dee, I have a pet fish. His name is Fishy and I love him very much. Daddy said that Fishy went away last night. Where did he go? Johnny T., age 6 Dear Johnny, Fishy went to hell.
- [Savannah R., age 8](https://cwruathenian.org/savannah-r-age-8/) - Dear Dee, I want to stay up really late like my big brother Jackson but Mom won’t let me! What should I do?! Savannah R., age 8 Dear Savannah, Have you ever tried Celsius? It’s a magical drink that will let you stay up way longer than your older brother. Just don’t let your mom
- [Ryder M., age 11](https://cwruathenian.org/ryder-m-age-11/) - Dear Dee, My friends are making fun of me because I don’t know how to play Smash Bros. It makes me very sad. How do I get them to stop? P.S. I like playing the crocodile because he has big teeth and a cannonball. Ryder M., age 11 Dear Ryder, You main King K. Rool?
- [Hailey S., age 6](https://cwruathenian.org/hailey-s-age-6/) - Dear Dee, I think there’s a monster in my closet. It’s very scary and makes screaming noises at night. How do I make it go away? Hailey S., age 6 Dear Hailey, Assert your dominance and make even louder noises. If that doesn’t work, knock on your parents’ door. Everybody knows that closet monsters are
- [Man’s Best Friend](https://cwruathenian.org/mans-best-friend-2/) - Dear Advice Athenian, I found a blood sigil in our basement, candles and everything. I don’t know how he set it up without opposable thumbs, but I think that’s how it happened and now something is seriously wrong with my dog. He keeps saying things like, “This canine form is limiting,” and growling at the
- [Man’s Best Friend Part 2](https://cwruathenian.org/mans-best-friend-part-2/) - Dear Advice Athenian, Thank you for writing back. I do not know how my dog came about being able to talk, but I am glad to know that he doesn’t actually hate me, and that this will pass. It’s just been difficult to hear since we raised him from just a puppy—a shelter rescue, no
- [Man’s Best Friend](https://cwruathenian.org/mans-best-friend/) - Dear Advice Athenian, By some scientific miracle, my dog acquired the ability to formulate intelligent human speech, but all he talks about is how much he hates me. I fear I’ve committed a crime against God and nature and I don’t know what to do. Please help! Sincerely,Man’s Best Friend Dear Man’s Best Friend, Believe
- [Valentine Enjoyer (Issue 132)](https://cwruathenian.org/valentine-enjoyer-issue-132/) - Dear Athenian Duck, My partner doesn’t want to celebrate valentines, but it’s one of my favorite holidays. What should I do? Thanks for your advice! -Valentine Enjoyer Dear Valentine Enjoyer, Ducks form bonds seasonally, so we get a new partner every year. I think you should make like a duck and dump him. You got
- [Lonely Case Student (Issue 132)](https://cwruathenian.org/lonely-case-student-issue-132/) - Hello athenian duck, Any good tips for having a fun Galentine’s Day all alone? Yours truly, lonely case student Dear Galentiner, I typically like to splash in Wade Lagoon or fly through the air with some of my besties. Self care is super important, so remember to take a relaxing bird bath and preen your
- [CS Major (Issue 132)](https://cwruathenian.org/cs-major-issue-132/) - Hi Athenian Duck, What is love? Is it really a thing? My friends keep telling me it’s real, but I don’t believe them. (for context I am a CS major btw) Function endQuestion(); CS Major Dear CS Major, No, it’s not real <3 Don’t even worry about it. They’re just joking :) Best wishes, Athenian
- [Confused Student (Issue 132)](https://cwruathenian.org/confused-student-issue-132/) - hey athenian dork, how can you even write if you are a duck? I don’t believe you’re really a duck. . . with sincerest hostility, Confused Case Student Dear Confused Case Student, I fulfilled my SAGES requirements early so I am now proficient in writing. Stop being a hater. Worst wishes, Athenian Duck
- [Desperate CWRU Student (Issue 132)](https://cwruathenian.org/desperate-cwru-student-issue-132/) - to athenian duck, how to find love? at case??? ty, Desperate CWRU Student Dear Desperate CWRU Student, I hear the despair in your tone, and I sympathize deeply with you. However, I am a duck and do not know how humans find love. Have you tried shaking your tail feathers or whistling a nice song?
- [Confused (Issue 48)](https://cwruathenian.org/confused-issue-48/) - Dear Crabby – I recently found out my two roommates are sleeping together. This wouldn’t be such a problem, but we live in a tiny off campus apartment and it can be rather cramped. Back in the beginning, I was fine with the periodic orgies they’d throw – hell, I’d even join in periodically. But
- [Objectified roommate living off campus (Issue 46)](https://cwruathenian.org/objectified-roommate-living-off-campus-issue-46/) - Dear Crabby, My roommates and I have been living together for nearly 4 weeks now, and I’m the only one who’s taken out the trash. I try to leave it for one of them to do, but eventually the whole apartment stinks and I’m the only one who does anything about it. I try talking
- [Poor, Neglected bloke from North Side (Issue 46)](https://cwruathenian.org/poor-neglected-bloke-from-north-side-issue-46/) - Dear Crabby, My girlfriend and I have been together nearly a month. We both go to Case, so it’s natural that she has a lot of male friends. She’s very attractive, and I know a lot of her male friends are attracted to her. For the most part, I’m not jealous. However, she gets very
- [Dr. Sex Rex, Athenian God of Love (Issue 13)](https://cwruathenian.org/dr-sex-rex-athenian-god-of-love/) - Feel like it’s time to spice up your love life a bit? If you’re getting bored of doing the nasty in the same old places, try some of these spots around campus for a bit of a thrill. Your roommate’s bed- This is a good place to start being adventurous. Since it’s close to your
- [Sleepless in Saskatchewan (Issue 14)](https://cwruathenian.org/sleepless-in-saskatchewan-issue-14/) - Dear Doctor Sex Rex, I am dissatisfied with my current sexual existence, and would like to try a broader spectrum of experiences. How does one become a hermaphrodite? Thanks,Sleepless in Saskatchewan Whassup sleepless, A hermaphrodite, eh? Well I’ve never heard of that before but it sounds pretty fun. One of those Greek gods, right? I’m
- [Curious in Coventry (Issue 11)](https://cwruathenian.org/curious-in-coventry-issue-11/) - Dear Well-Groomed Computer Scientist, I’ve often heard the phrase “computer savvy.” How can I tell if I’m “computer savvy?” Signed,Curious in Coventry Dear Curious, There’s an extremely simple, yet very revealing way to find out if you are any good withcomputers. To find out, click here.
- [A Robot (Issue 11)](https://cwruathenian.org/a-robot/) - Dear Well-Groomed Computer Scientist, 00001101011101110111010101011. 11011101001001010111010101010101100 01111001. Signed,A Robot Dear Robot, Your letter isn’t even funny. I don’t know why I bother responding to it, since I just made it up. It is tough to pan these Athenian-things out to a full twenty pages, you know.
- [Stinking up Staley (Issue 11)](https://cwruathenian.org/stinking-up-staley-issue-11/) - Dear Well-Groomed Computer Scientist, You claim to be a well-groomedcomputer scientist. Any tips for the hygienically-challenged pseudo-engineer? Sincerely,Stinking up Staley Dear Stinking, The key to being a well-groomed computer scientist is to diversify. Try a double major. The computer scientist in me won’t let me shave, but the biochemist in me won’t let me smell.
- [Snoop Diggity Rob (Issue 12)](https://cwruathenian.org/snoop-diggity-rob-issue-12/) - Dear Dr. Sex Rex- I heard some of my coworkers talking about something called “doggy style sex.” I was confused, as I had never heard of it before. When I got home, I tried it out, but Rover wasn’t very cooperative. What am I doing wrong? –Snoop Diggity Rob Um, wow. Where to start on
- [Willy Duet (Issue 11)](https://cwruathenian.org/willy-duet/) - Dr. Sex Sex,I help. need it! Girls, talk bAD! nervous, bAd TalKiGn converSATION! you havVE sometimezgive hELP. Build conFiDENce. bad AT SPEakIngG.!.? thaNKS,Willy Duet Wow. So, apparently they’ll give a computer to just about anyone nowadays, eh? It’s fuckedup that your speech problem manifests itself when you type too. Really my man, it’s killing mymojo.
- [Troll Magnet (Issue 9)](https://cwruathenian.org/troll-magnet-issue-9/) - Dr. Sex Rex, I got a problem and I need a good answer. My threads are so fly I got women hanging all over me. There's plenty o' me to go around, but some of these ladies look about as good as Rosie O'Donnell run over by a Mack truck with rusty-chained tires. I just
- [Hans Blistered (Issue 10)](https://cwruathenian.org/hans-blistered-issue-10/) - Dr. Sex Rex, I'm an engineering major at Case and I've had a little trouble in the love department. Specifically, I can't get my SexBot 3000 to function properly. Are there any alternatives that would help satisfy my urges? - Hans Blistered You have come to the right place, Hans. I am the Headmaster of
- [Dr. Sex Rex's Tips on How to Get a Guy to Notice You (Issue 8)](https://cwruathenian.org/dr-sex-rexs-tips-on-how-to-get-a-guy-to-notice-you/) - Wardrobe is everything. Know what to wear and you won't have to wear it for long: 1) Pajamas - there is nothing sexier than a frumpy pjs 2) Fruit - guys especially seem to be like big melons 3) Sorority clothes - tell him you'll put out when drunk without saying a word 4) Burqa
- [Twitching With Sophisticated Contempt in Pottawatomie, KA (Issue 7)](https://cwruathenian.org/twitching-with-sophisticated-contempt-in-pottawatomie-ka-issue-7/) - Dear High School Freshman Who Works at Defiant Seagull, Social etiquette has always been a matter of great importance to me. It bothers me to see people with nametags on the left side of their chest. If I try to read their name, I have to direct my line of vision across their body and
- [Forever Disillusioned with Facial Glitter and Cher from "Clueless" in Key West, FL (Issue 7)](https://cwruathenian.org/forever-disillusioned-with-facial-glitter-and-cher-from-clueless-in-key-west-fl-issue-7/) - Dear High School Freshman Who Works at Defiant Seagull, My best friend and my boyfriend are up to something behind my back. On one hand, I don't want to ruin my life-long friendship with Cynthia. After all, she is the one who introduced be to the joys of superficial, wait no, superdeeduper, teenie-bopperness. On one
- [Huffin' and Puffin' in San Francisco, CA (Issue 7)](https://cwruathenian.org/huffin-and-puffin-in-san-francisco-ca/) - Dear High School Freshman Who Works at Defiant Seagull I just returned from a business party catered by a Mexican food chain. Promoted up from peon status, inflated, and climbing the corporate bladder, I also have my hands full preparing for my first child, due in October. Meanwhile, I must deliver a Lizertorte cake with
- [Down to Merely 8 Jaguars in New York City, NY (Issue 7)](https://cwruathenian.org/down-to-merely-8-jaguars-in-new-york-city-ny-issue-7/) - Dear High School Freshman Who Works at Defiant Seagull, As the CEO of a major corporation mildly suffering from the wretchedness of today's economy, I can no longer afford to buy Vienna ice cream with small countries as stocking-stuffers for my kids. While we aren't starving to death, I am in the process of discovering
- [Jim Potent (Issue 7)](https://cwruathenian.org/jim-potent-issue-7/) - Dr. Sex Rex, I'm getting old and having trouble getting up. what do you suggest? - Jim Potent Well Jim, I may be a fossil myself, but I have no problem getting up or down. However, there is a solution for your predicament. Don't feel too bad about your problem. Your condition is shared by
- [Tiny Tim (Issue 6)](https://cwruathenian.org/tiny-tim-issue-6/) - Dr. Sex Rex, Does Size Really Matter? - Tiny Tim That is a silly question to ask Timmy - of course size matters. The ladies don't call me dinosore for nothing. Women want a guy with plenty to go around, but a man has got to know his limits. Bigger is better, but too big
- [James Hat (Issue 6)](https://cwruathenian.org/james-hat-issue-6/) - Dr. Rex, Is Protection Really Necessary? - James Hat Protection is an important issue and it must be taken seriously if you plan on being intimate with a woman. If I had not used protection on my numerous wild adventures, I may not be here to talk to you right now. You never know what
- [Red Headed Stepchild (Issue 3)](https://cwruathenian.org/red-headed-stepchild/) - Unkel Knobby, I have this recurring dream where I am drowning in the ocean while hte rest of my family sits and laughs. I think it comes from when I was a child and my father used to throw beer cans at my head then make me sleep in the dog house outside. I was
- [Butta Luva (Issue 1)](https://cwruathenian.org/butta-luva/) - Dear Sensei, Wassup? Yo, I be trippin G. I gots an addiction to the ladies. Now, dis bizatch is doggin me, yo, and I'm like shiiiiiiiii. My homey said you could help a brotha out and I was like hale yeah. Drop me some words of wisdom, G. Play on Playa, Butta Luva My Most
- [Bizarro Barbie (Issue 1)](https://cwruathenian.org/bizarro-barbie/) - Dear Sensei, I have a problem. To be perfectly frank. I am butt ugly. I've got back, the cottage cheese kind, a set of fully-grown muttonchops, and I am growing something that resembles a horn protruding from my forehead. I used to think I was special; I mean seriously, how many people do you know
- [B. I. Bloser (Issue 3)](https://cwruathenian.org/b-i-bloser/) - Dear Unkel Knobby, I have to admit, I am kind of a loser. I sit in front of my television all day adn sleep. I'm kind of lonely because I don't have a girlfriend. I wish I did, but I'm really shy around girls and I usually make a fool of myself. I was wondering

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- [Meet the Athenian](https://cwruathenian.org/meet-the-athenian/) - Meet the Athenian Case Western Reserve University's Best, Worst, and Only Active Satire Magazine Exec Board Meet our Exec Board! If you are interested in joining us, feel free to reach out to athenian-editors@case.edu. Evan Durkee Editor in Chief Majors: Electrical Engineering/Material Science and Engineering Year: Senior "He's Evan" Jake Bridge Managing Editor Jake (Mathematics
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- [Choose your own adventure](https://cwruathenian.org/games-and-quizzes/choose-your-own-adventure/) - Slide 1Click here to change this text. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut elit tellus, luctus nec ullamcorper mattis, pulvinar dapibus leo.Read More Slide 2Click here to change this text. Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Ut elit tellus, luctus nec ullamcorper mattis, pulvinar dapibus leo.Read More Slide 3Click here
- [Crosswords](https://cwruathenian.org/games-and-quizzes/crosswords/) - Crosswords 27/37/43 33 60 69 80 81 86 89 111 117 126 134 142 144 147 148 153 153 crosswordDownload
- [Horoscopes](https://cwruathenian.org/recurring-columns/horoscopes/) - Horoscopes Issue 149: Which Horoscope list are you based on your horoscope? Aries Days of Christmas Aries - 8 maids a- milkingTaurus - 4 calling birdsGemini - 12 drummers drummingCancer - a partridge in a pear treeLeo - 6 geese ‘a layingVirgo - 10 lords ‘a leapingLibra - 2 turtle dovesScorpio - 5 golden ringsSagittarius
- [The Athenian's Page for dumb Idiots](https://cwruathenian.org/the-athenians-page-for-dumb-idiots/) - Dumb Idiots PAge Crossword Ansers So you want the answers huh? You're really that desperate to prove you are smart? Google didn't help you enough already? 117 ACROSS 3: Carlton 4: TomHolland 8: Wepas 9: TheUglyStatue 11: Tomlinson 12: SigmaNu 14: Babs 17: WadeLagoon 19: ClevelandInstituteOfTechnology 21: Matlab 22: Pierce 24: DrewMeyer 25: Canvas 26:
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- [Haha!](https://cwruathenian.org/issue147/) - Haha! You thought! Go to the Issues page to see this issue. Issues
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- [Word Search](https://cwruathenian.org/games-and-quizzes/word-search/) - Word Search 27/37 33 43 60 79 81 88 90 127.1 127.2 134.1 134.2 134.3 142 143
- [Other Games](https://cwruathenian.org/games-and-quizzes/other-recurring/) - Other Games = Fun!!50% Wonderphrase Wonderphrase issue 4 issue 5 issue 6 issue 18 issue 19 issue 21 Sudoku Sudoku set 1 33/49 55 60.1 60.2 65.1 65.2 65.3 66.1 66.2 66.3 67.1 67.2 68.1 68.2 69.1 69.2 Sudoku set 2 70.1 70.2 71.1 71.2 72.1 72.2 73.1 73.2 74.1 74.2 75.1 75.2 75.3 76.1
- [Mad Libs](https://cwruathenian.org/games-and-quizzes/mad-libs/) - 66 67 68 77 80 82 83 90 97 100 145 146
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## Categories

- [Uncategorized](https://cwruathenian.org/category/uncategorized/)
- [Ask Sensei (2001)](https://cwruathenian.org/category/ask-sensei-2001/)
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- [Ask Sex Rex (2002-2004)](https://cwruathenian.org/category/ask-sex-rex/)
- [Ask High School Freshman (2003)](https://cwruathenian.org/category/ask-high-school-freshman/)
- [Ask Well Groomed Computer Scientist (2003)](https://cwruathenian.org/category/ask-well-groomed-computer-scientist/)
- [Ask Crabby](https://cwruathenian.org/category/ask-crabby/)
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- [Dee Tention](https://cwruathenian.org/category/dee-tention/)
- [Web Article](https://cwruathenian.org/category/web-article/)

## Tags

- [Unkel Knobby no longer accepting submissions](https://cwruathenian.org/tag/unkel-knobby-no-longer-accepting-submissions/)
- [Sensei no longer accepting submissions](https://cwruathenian.org/tag/sensei-no-longer-accepting-submissions/)
- [Sex Rex no longer accepting submissions](https://cwruathenian.org/tag/sex-rex-no-longer-accepting-submissions/)