The Athenian
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Guides and How-To’s…or is it How-To’s and Guides?
Is there someplace that can help with that?

How to Use Your Penis
Can you find the Issue with Penigamy, or how to make your own penis out of paper?

How to Obtain Your Very Own School Issued Homework Rat? (Issue 137) part 1
So you want to pass your classes, but the thought of doing homework makes you want to drop out? Well boy do I have a solution that will make pulling all nighters and missing homework assignments a thing of the past. May I be the first to introduce you to Homework Rats. Now I know what you must be thinking: what does a homework rat even do? I’m so glad you asked… it does your fucking homework. If you have to ask this question, I’m sorry but even a homework rat can’t help you. Owning and maintaining a healthy and happy homework rat is not a task for the faint of heart. It requires focus, loyalty, and more perseverance than standing in the Dunkin’ line before class. If you think you’re up for the challenge, or you’re really that desperate to avoid homework, then proceed with caution.
First things first, you’ll need to get a rat. If there are no rat complaints coming from your dorm, I regret to inform you that other people have already implemented this strategy and have convinced the rats to do their homework instead. While this may be disheartening, don’t give up hope just yet. Fortunately for you, there are 20+ dorms to choose from who probably wouldn’t complain about having one less rat in the building. If all else fails, don’t be afraid to let loose a little and go rat hunting on Euclid (you still wouldn’t be the weirdest person out there). Quick aside, it is IMPERATIVE that you find your own rat. Believe me you never want to share a homework rat. That opens a whole can of custody battle worms that the Case Western Reserve University lawyers are not equipped to handle.
How to Obtain Your Very Own School Issued Homework Rat? (Issue 137) part 2
So you want to pass your classes, but the thought of doing homework makes you want to drop out? Well boy do I have a solution that will make pulling all nighters and missing homework assignments a thing of the past. May I be the first to introduce you to Homework Rats. Now I know what you must be thinking: what does a homework rat even do? I’m so glad you asked… it does your fucking homework. If you have to ask this question, I’m sorry but even a homework rat can’t help you. Owning and maintaining a healthy and happy homework rat is not a task for the faint of heart. It requires focus, loyalty, and more perseverance than standing in the Dunkin’ line before class. If you think you’re up for the challenge, or you’re really that desperate to avoid homework, then proceed with caution.
The second step is to actually catch the rat. Anyone is capable of finding a rat. Not everyone can catch one. For those of you who have never caught a rat before, you are going to have to figure that part out on your own. We at the Athenian have done our fair share of rat hunting and believe us, the experience of doing it on your own is almost worth the diseases you will surely acquire in the process. It is truly an experience that we can not coach you through, and an adventure that you must embark upon alone. Best of luck to you.
How to Obtain Your Very Own School Issued Homework Rat? (Issue 137) part 3
So you want to pass your classes, but the thought of doing homework makes you want to drop out? Well boy do I have a solution that will make pulling all nighters and missing homework assignments a thing of the past. May I be the first to introduce you to Homework Rats. Now I know what you must be thinking: what does a homework rat even do? I’m so glad you asked… it does your fucking homework. If you have to ask this question, I’m sorry but even a homework rat can’t help you. Owning and maintaining a healthy and happy homework rat is not a task for the faint of heart. It requires focus, loyalty, and more perseverance than standing in the Dunkin’ line before class. If you think you’re up for the challenge, or you’re really that desperate to avoid homework, then proceed with caution.
Now that you have caught the rat you must assert dominance over it, or you might end up doing the rat’s bidding. To assert dominance over your rat, be sure to lecture your rat frequently about how you go to school everyday AND feed the rat AND keep a roof over its head. The goal is to sound like a parent lecturing a child, who didn’t ask to be there in the first place. This should ensure that your rat knows who’s the boss around the dorm.
A side note, that I shouldn’t have to mention but feel obligated to reiterate: PLEASE FEED THE RAT. If man can not live on bread alone, then your rat can not live on crusty air and unwashed socks. The rat is already doing your homework, the least you could do is throw some fries at it once a day, while you coast towards graduation.
How to Obtain Your Very Own School Issued Homework Rat? (Issue 137) part 4
So you want to pass your classes, but the thought of doing homework makes you want to drop out? Well boy do I have a solution that will make pulling all nighters and missing homework assignments a thing of the past. May I be the first to introduce you to Homework Rats. Now I know what you must be thinking: what does a homework rat even do? I’m so glad you asked… it does your fucking homework. If you have to ask this question, I’m sorry but even a homework rat can’t help you. Owning and maintaining a healthy and happy homework rat is not a task for the faint of heart. It requires focus, loyalty, and more perseverance than standing in the Dunkin’ line before class. If you think you’re up for the challenge, or you’re really that desperate to avoid homework, then proceed with caution.
Finally, all that’s left to do is teach the rat how to write neatly, understand english, and use the canvas app/website. Additional tricks to teach your rat might include how to use Echo 360, so your rat will never miss class and your homework might, actually, get done correctly. Since that is a pretty simple task I’ll leave that up to you. I have faith that this step will be the easiest so far! If you can’t figure out this step, you really have no business owning a homework rat in the first place.
First Year ER Trip Guide Part 1
How to successfully navigate your first ER trip, away from home!
STEP 1. Ignore the Problem: The pain will certainly go away on its own and not become much, much worse.
Is your leg getting swollen because you’re walking 10x as much as you did back home? Don’t worry! You definitely won’t wake up the next day unable to walk because your foot is swollen to twice its normal size.
Can you see the bone sticking out of your arm because you fell off your lofted bed in your sleep? Maybe you could schedule an appointment with University Health Services and Counseling Services, but you should probably just slap a BAND-AID® on it. You only need one arm to fill out a lab report anyways.
They invented Advil for a reason, and you’re not going to let a little pain keep you from your classes!
First Year ER Trip Guide Part 2
How to successfully navigate your first ER trip, away from home!
STEP 2. Get to the ER
If Step 1 somehow fails, CWRU has a great hospital right on campus! You can easily walk from most dorms right to the ER’s front door.
If you can’t walk, wait until the Safe Rides start because even though Case Western Reserve ambulances are free, the embarrassment of being wheeled away in front of your entire dorm makes the idea of waiting until 6pm sound reasonable.
Just take some more Tylenol until then.
First Year ER Trip Guide Part 3
How to successfully navigate your first ER trip, away from home!
STEP 3. Notify Your Navigator
Don’t forget to email your Four-Year Advisor to beg for at least two hours of extensions on your assignments. Be sure to email them in the ER waiting room while you’re being discharged, so they know right away. This definitely won’t make your email incomprehensible as you write it high on pain meds and sleep deprived.
First Year ER Trip Guide Part 4
How to successfully navigate your first ER trip, away from home!
STEP 4. Go to Class the Next Day
So you had a little surgery, or your doctor told you to keep weight off your leg for 48 hours. Is that going to stop you from attending class? I don’t think so!
Hobble into class and try to listen to at least the first 10 minutes before you fall asleep. The professor will be glad you made the effort to snore in their classroom, and would not have preferred it if you had taken the day off like your doctor told you to.
First Year ER Trip Guide Part 5
How to successfully navigate your first ER trip, away from home!
STEP 5. Pay $500 in medical bills because you signed the Medical Insurance Waiver to save money and apparently your parents’ insurance doesn’t cover out-of-state expenses which is definitely not a sign of the unjust nature of Capitalism within the medical world, and how maybe healthcare necessities shouldn’t be priced as high as legally possible 🙂
On the plus side, you’ll be too nauseous from the pain meds to eat anything, so you can save money by not buying food this week (not optional)!
How to Apply to be a Sugar Baby (Issue 132) Part 1
Tips and tricks for having a solid sugar baby profile and securing the sugar bag
So you want to become a sugar baby? Have you realized that your parents have been seized by the IRS and suddenly daddy can’t pay for your school tuition anymore? Well, look no further! Just follow these steps and we’ll help you find a new daddy or mommy with the bag
1. Where to find the stash?
So how do you get snatched up by these glucose guardians? Well, first you need to join a social media app where your prospective sugar mommy/daddy will also be looking for you. Tinder, Bumble, and Plenty of Fish are all perfect examples of dirt water trashy and stank ways to get your coin. However, maybe that’s not what you’re looking for. We here at The Athenian know you want to attract a sugar parent with a class of the finest caliber. So fire up your Campus Groups profile, clear out all those clubs and organizations you joined but will never actually go to, and get ready to wow your cash dad.
How to Apply to be a Sugar Baby (Issue 132) Part 2
Tips and tricks for having a solid sugar baby profile and securing the sugar bag
So you want to become a sugar baby? Have you realized that your parents have been seized by the IRS and suddenly daddy can’t pay for your school tuition anymore? Well, look no further! Just follow these steps and we’ll help you find a new daddy or mommy with the bag
2. Update that Campus Groups profile!
Now most of you probably haven’t touched your Campus Groups since you got your first 20 letter-number-symbol password. That’s okay, great actually, because now it gives you a blank canvas to work from. Now to make sure those prospective sugar daddies and mommies know you’re the real deal, you’ll need to put some personal info on there, like your name, age, feet measurements, favorite earth crystal, and star sign to make sure you’re cosmically compatible in the eyes of god Apollo. Now, I know this seems like a lot, but the campus group sugar mamas and papas wanna know what’d you be willing to show for that check. But, they also want to learn about you, and when I say you, I mean the internet personified version of you that is easily digestible, has no basis in reality, and is easy to like. So make sure you live, laugh, and love all over that page. You better make it look like the Cookie Monster just threw up sucrose on that profile.
How to Apply to be a Sugar Baby (Issue 132) Part 3
Tips and tricks for having a solid sugar baby profile and securing the sugar bag
So you want to become a sugar baby? Have you realized that your parents have been seized by the IRS and suddenly daddy can’t pay for your school tuition anymore? Well, look no further! Just follow these steps and we’ll help you find a new daddy or mommy with the bag
3. Dress code.
Now comes the most pivotal part in making your Campus Groups profile stand out: your profile picture. You will need to be able to seduce your sugar parents with just one glance at your pixelated gloryness, so it is imperative you follow the dress code. You will need to dress up as a type of sweet—It can be any kind, from cookies to candy to a jello shot costume—if it has sugar, you can wear it.
Any Amazon or Party City costume will do, though for those of you who want to attract the big players, DIY is the way to go. You can even use real food! Though we strongly advise wearing our custom made body suit that’ll prevent your sugar daddy/mommy from seeing a little too much before the first date, (made by yours truly for only $15.00 on my depop while supplies last *link down below*). https://www.depop.com/products/follilolli-for-all-sugar-baby-needs/
How to Apply to be a Sugar Baby (Issue 132) Part 4
Tips and tricks for having a solid sugar baby profile and securing the sugar bag
So you want to become a sugar baby? Have you realized that your parents have been seized by the IRS and suddenly daddy can’t pay for your school tuition anymore? Well, look no further! Just follow these steps and we’ll help you find a new daddy or mommy with the bag
4. How much is too much?
Now that we have the attire ready, make sure that in the profile pic that your prospective sugar parent can clearly see your face and sugar outfit. If it is too blurry, your sugar parent may mistake you for an actual treat, and depending on the person, might try to add you to their door dash bag. This is why it is important you skirt the line between sugar and baby. Too much sugar and a middle aged sugar daddy/mommy will think you’re a late night snack (not the hot sexy kind), too much baby and we got a case on our hands. So remember a clear picture with a sugar outfit in few. *The outfit must also be worn on the first time you meet up with your sugar daddy/mommy as to not be deemed a sugar-fish.*
How to Apply to be a Sugar Baby (Issue 132) Part 5
Tips and tricks for having a solid sugar baby profile and securing the sugar bag
So you want to become a sugar baby? Have you realized that your parents have been seized by the IRS and suddenly daddy can’t pay for your school tuition anymore? Well, look no further! Just follow these steps and we’ll help you find a new daddy or mommy with the bag
5. Securing the bag.
Finally, you’ve completed your profile. Looking like just enough sugar and just enough baby, you’ve managed to secure a middle-aged to senior citizen sugar parent to add funds to your CaseCash account and bail your father from the feds. You’ll pick a fine dining sugar baby place, like Mitchell’s. You will then consume high grade ice cream that they reserve for their sugar clients. After a successful meetup, open your Cash App, Zelle, or Paypal, or CashCash account and see the moolah that has been bestowed to you by your sugar mommy/daddy. Don’t worry about having to do anything freaky after either. As I mentioned before, these sugar parents have class, so you won’t have to worry about putting out for the first date. Well, you won’t have to worry about putting out at all, since they’ll probably pass out from all the sugar they were eating up till then. And with that my friend, I wish you luck on your journey of becoming a full fledged sugar baby.
*if your sugar daddy/mommy actually passes out and dies within your care, congratulations! You are now eligible for financial compensation through their will and will never have to take a day job for the rest of your life<3*
How to Stage Your Own Meet-Cute! (Issue 132) Part 1
Picture this: Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and you are lonely. One day, you’re absent-mindedly walking up the binary walkway and you bump into a cutie. You exchange numbers and suddenly, you have a sweetheart! A meet-cute just like this can happen for you too, and we here at The Athenian are happy to get you started with some ideas!
1. Drop your books!
This one is a classic, and for good reason! Anyone with even a shred of empathy and self-awareness will help you (probably). Make sure you hold intense eye contact and stand awkwardly for a long time after they’ve handed you your books; this will let them know you’re really interested
2. Spill coffee on them! Another classic!
They might be a bit upset at first, but just make sure you apologize (with lots of blushing and batting your eyes) and try to dry their shirt (remember: dab, don’t rub). Pro tip: make sure it’s not too hot–burning them is counterproductive
How to Stage Your Own Meet-Cute! (Issue 132) Part 2
Picture this: Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and you are lonely. One day, you’re absent-mindedly walking up the binary walkway and you bump into a cutie. You exchange numbers and suddenly, you have a sweetheart! A meet-cute just like this can happen for you too, and we here at The Athenian are happy to get you started with some ideas!
3. Make some noise!
This one is incredibly low-effort and can be done anywhere! Simply sit near them wherever they are (or for a more personalized approach, stand outside their dorm room) and make some noise! Blast music, laugh loudly, etc. Eventually they will take notice and ask you to stop, at which point you can continue the conversation and steer it in the direction of love.
How to Stage Your Own Meet-Cute! (Issue 132) Part 3
Picture this: Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and you are lonely. One day, you’re absent-mindedly walking up the binary walkway and you bump into a cutie. You exchange numbers and suddenly, you have a sweetheart! A meet-cute just like this can happen for you too, and we here at The Athenian are happy to get you started with some ideas!
4. “Accidentally” steal their Den order!
Conveniently, this can also be done with Jolly and Tink orders!
First, loiter at the Den until you see their name (this may take a while, but it will be worth it). After you’ve taken their order, you have two options: 1. you can wait until they come to pick it up and then pretend that you misread it and were going to walk out with it, or 2. you can take it with you and then text to tell them you have it. Nothing wrong with making them come to you
How to Stage Your Own Meet-Cute! (Issue 132) Part 4
Picture this: Valentine’s Day is right around the corner, and you are lonely. One day, you’re absent-mindedly walking up the binary walkway and you bump into a cutie. You exchange numbers and suddenly, you have a sweetheart! A meet-cute just like this can happen for you too, and we here at The Athenian are happy to get you started with some ideas!
5. Hit them with a vehicle!
Use whatever you have on hand (car, bike, e-scooter)! Don’t hit them too hard, just a little love tap! They’ll be so amused by your quirky driving that they’ll fall for you instantly (disclaimer: this one is risky; be wary of witnesses).
Four Sex Toys to Spice Up Your Valentine’s Day (Issue 132) Part 1
Feeling like the bedroom spark has been put out? Not connecting with your lover as usual? Got an erection lasting longer than four hours? Hey, no worries. We have all been there. Sometimes it can be hard to live up to sexual expectations. Like, how am I supposed to bend my legs that way? I get you! It can feel like the world is turning against you. However, I am here to help you get that fiery, sexy flame lit this Valentine’s Day. How, you ask? Sex toys.
1. Rope
Rope is a classic intro to spicing up your vanilla sex life. It is incredibly versatile and always seems to do the trick. All you need to do is tie up your partner on the bed with at least 10 meters of rope. Are you a former Boy Scout, Girl Scout, or dominatrix? Just whip out your classic bowline knot–wait. No, I put the rope in the wrong hole. Does it go here? Does that feel right? It feels really dry. Do you want more foreplay? We can do it in a bit after I recover. You might want to go grab a towel
Four Sex Toys to Spice Up Your Valentine’s Day (Issue 132) Part 2
Feeling like the bedroom spark has been put out? Not connecting with your lover as usual? Got an erection lasting longer than four hours? Hey, no worries. We have all been there. Sometimes it can be hard to live up to sexual expectations. Like, how am I supposed to bend my legs that way? I get you! It can feel like the world is turning against you. However, I am here to help you get that fiery, sexy flame lit this Valentine’s Day. How, you ask? Sex toys.
2. Whip
Another classic sex toy, a whip is great for role playing. Gently smack your partner’s behind when they have been naughty, naughty, naughty. Be playful and tell them they need to be good for you. Then, they will sit on your lap and whisper everything they want in your ear. You can then set a date, preferably in late December, to sneak into their house down their chimney and deliver the goods.
Four Sex Toys to Spice Up Your Valentine’s Day (Issue 132) Part 3
Feeling like the bedroom spark has been put out? Not connecting with your lover as usual? Got an erection lasting longer than four hours? Hey, no worries. We have all been there. Sometimes it can be hard to live up to sexual expectations. Like, how am I supposed to bend my legs that way? I get you! It can feel like the world is turning against you. However, I am here to help you get that fiery, sexy flame lit this Valentine’s Day. How, you ask? Sex toys.
3. Electric Chair
Now we are getting into the extra spicy realm. You can use the rope to tie your lover to the chair, but make sure to clear this with your local fire department to avoid any hazards. If they are being bratty, zap the memories out of them and they won’t know how to talk back again. Batteries not included
Four Sex Toys to Spice Up Your Valentine’s Day (Issue 132) Part 4
Feeling like the bedroom spark has been put out? Not connecting with your lover as usual? Got an erection lasting longer than four hours? Hey, no worries. We have all been there. Sometimes it can be hard to live up to sexual expectations. Like, how am I supposed to bend my legs that way? I get you! It can feel like the world is turning against you. However, I am here to help you get that fiery, sexy flame lit this Valentine’s Day. How, you ask? Sex toys.
4. Folding Chair
If you want a more environmentally friendly way to use a chair in the bedroom, grab a folding chair. Useful for a lap dance? Of course! But, it has more uses than you think. If they have been teasing you and playing around, show them who’s boss by transporting yourself to a Sunday night WWE Smackdown episode. Trade places every now and then like how they do on the show. Whoever taps out first has to bottom! Just make sure you have health insurance.
ZAGAT’S GUIDE TO: CWRU Bathrooms (Issue 34) Part 1
!’s represent radioactive symbols
Bingham, 7th Floor: !!!
Patrons enjoyed “taking a dump” in the “hate-speech-free stalls” in this bathroom, which boasts a “friendly, no-eye-contact atmosphere” and “supple, absorbent toilet paper.” The “cheap fluorescent lighting” and “pubic hair on the urinals” bothered some critics.
Hitchcock, 3rd Floor: ! Frequenters of this lavatory complained about the “piss-soaked floor,” the “nonfunctional hand washers,” and the “persistent B.M.’s in the urinals.” One critic noted that “garbage and blue paint littered the shower,” and that “foot fungi spawned armies here.” Generally considered a “bad place to have group sex.”
ZAGAT’S GUIDE TO: CWRU Bathrooms (Issue 34) Part 2
!’s represent radioactive symbols
Sears, 4th Floor: !!
Noted for its “cramped stall” that is “hard to masturbate in,” this bathroom was commended for its “reputable-looking soap” and “innovative mood lighting,” but was faulted for “toilet paper that resembles steel wool.” Partisans said the “postmodern stall art” was a “delectable read while pooping.”
Clark, 1st Floor: !!!!
This lavatory earned “top marks” for its “ergonomic toilet seats,” its “well-polished urinals,” and its “sweet ambrosial aroma.” Critics said the “toilet paper is like a silk pillow” and found the “paper towel tray well-stacked.” One enthusiast said that the bathroom “makes me enjoy diarrhea.”
How to Tell if your PI is Insane (Issue 32) Part 1
One of the hazards in lab work, as in any employment, is the possibility of working under
a dangerously loose-screwed employer. Some PI’s will insist on seemingly strange things
with genuinely good reason. This should not be worrisome, as a life of research tends to
make people a bit . . . whimsical, and whimsy and wisdom oft go hand in hand. The important
thing, though, is to know when essentially normal behavior crosses the line into the bizarre,
or worse, the pathological.
Normal behavior: Eating in lab (a bad idea, but still normal).
Abnormal behavior: Using Petri Dishes as plates, forceps and scalpels as forks and knifes, and KimWipes as napkins.
Pathological behavior: Growing food in culture and refusing to eat anything else.
Normal behavior: Extremely detailed labeling of all cell lines.
Abnormal behavior: Creative, obscure, or irreverent pet names for cell lines, e.g. “Buffy”or “Henry IX”.
Pathological behavior: Phoning the lab on weekends to talk to “the children”.
Normal behavior: Insisting on careful hand washing after all lab work.
Abnormal behavior: Checking your hands with a microscope after you wash them.
Pathological behavior: Washing your hands for you.
How to Tell if your PI is Insane (Issue 32) Part 2
One of the hazards in lab work, as in any employment, is the possibility of working under
a dangerously loose-screwed employer. Some PI’s will insist on seemingly strange things
with genuinely good reason. This should not be worrisome, as a life of research tends to
make people a bit . . . whimsical, and whimsy and wisdom oft go hand in hand. The important
thing, though, is to know when essentially normal behavior crosses the line into the bizarre,
or worse, the pathological.
Normal behavior: Extensive diagramming of reactions prior to execution.
Abnormal behavior: Insistence on team-building exercises, such as reaction relay races,
to practice methods.
Pathological behavior: Tattoos of commonly used protocols. For everyone.
Normal behavior: Keeping the lab computers under password protection.
Abnormal behavior: Installing an “Invisible Fence” around the computers. Pathological behavior: Polishing a shotgun threateningly across his or her lap while explaining the procedures for computer use.
Normal behavior: Playing loud culturally-appropriate music on the lab radio.
Abnormal behavior: Performing as a one-man band in the lab space.
Pathological behavior: Singing along to J-Pop if white, male, and over fifty.
How to Tell if your PI is Insane (Issue 32) Part 3
One of the hazards in lab work, as in any employment, is the possibility of working under
a dangerously loose-screwed employer. Some PI’s will insist on seemingly strange things
with genuinely good reason. This should not be worrisome, as a life of research tends to
make people a bit . . . whimsical, and whimsy and wisdom oft go hand in hand. The important
thing, though, is to know when essentially normal behavior crosses the line into the bizarre,
or worse, the pathological.
Normal behavior: Being a stickler about having your results on time.
Abnormal behavior: Taking pages from your lab notebook as you write them.
Pathological behavior: Funneling money into time travel research.
Normal behavior: Answering questions in an unhelpful manner, leaving you to fi gure things out on your own.
Abnormal behavior: Referring you to a random number generator and a numbered list of possible answers.
Pathological behavior: Answering any question by shouting the word “SCIENCE!!!” then hiding under a desk.
Games You Should Really Be Playing At Parties (Issue 29) Part 1
The Top 10 List!
10. Beer Risk – The rules are the same as regular Risk, but you take a shot every time somebody successfully invades one of your territories. This one is good if you want to hate your friends, but wake up the next morning forgetting that you hate them
9. Beer Beer Revolution – This game is to be played when both players already drunk. The players play DDR while holding cups of some kind of alcohol, and then spilling them all over the place during play. The real fun comes in the next morning when your roommate wakes you up while trying to figure out where that mysterious smell is coming from.
8. Super Smash Beer -others – You take a shot every time someone is being a slut to you in SSB. Warning: it will take you all of 2 seconds to pass out.
Games You Should Really Be Playing At Parties (Issue 29) Part 2
The Top 10 List!
7. Beer Twister – You take a shot every time you get poked by an awkward erection.
6. Don’t Stop Beer-lieving – If somebody is listening to Journey (at any volume, which is always too high) and starts drinking and screaming that it’s awesome, you throw feces at him and then take a shot to celebrate your victory.
5. Family… Beer… Guy – If drunk people are quoting the worst show ever to make people think that they are funny when they are really not, you throw feces at them and then take a shot to celebrate your victory. (This game also applies to Chuck Norris jokes.)
4. Beer Zidane! – This is simple, all you do is take a shot when you head-butt someone, but that someone needs to have insulted your family first.
Games You Should Really Be Playing At Parties (Issue 29) Part 3
The Top 10 List!
3. Steve Beer-win – You take a shot every time you almost die. This one is tough, as it’s possible to die in the pussiest ways ever while playing.
2. American Beer – If people are watching a teen movie (Talladega Nights, Accepted, etc.) and they laugh every time someone says “penis,” “wiener,” or “Bangkok,” you throw feces at them and then take a shot to celebrate your victory.
1. Hungry, Hungry Hippos (with beer) – If you are in a room with lots of drunk people then the 4 most sober have a contest to grab as many drunks as they can and toss them into their specific corner of the room. The one with the most in his corner gets a copy of the Hungry, Hungry Hippos (with beer) home edition.
A Guide to C[h]oosing Your Major (Issue 29) Part 1
Advice For Incoming Freshmen
English– Contrary to popular belief, this major is not about living in London and talking with a cool accent: instead, you read long books about people who live in London and talk with cool accents. Every once in awhile you have to submit a paper where you have to think up a fanciful explanation for what’s going on in the books. If you can bullshit on a regular basis you might want to major in English.
History– The point of history is to learn that things repeat themselves. If you study winning numbers in the lottery, chances are you will figure out the winning numbers in the next Mega Millions Jackpot. If you become a history major you are not allowed to take a class on probability.
A Guide to C[h]oosing Your Major (Issue 29) Part 2
Advice For Incoming Freshmen
Philosophy– Philosophy is the major where you sit around and conclude that your version of red is what I consider aquamarine, the meaning of life involves some sort of sandwich, and cumbersome things like reality do not exist. You should probably be this major if drug use caused you to fail your other classes.
Sociology– This is the major for you if like to use as many words as possible to describe mundane things. In this manner, it is guaranteed that no one knows what the hell you are talking about, so you will probably scrape out decent grades.
Psychology– You should major in psychology if you like rats, brains, or even brainy rats. You will spend the next four years of your life systematically concluding that you have every single psychological disease you study. Upon graduation, your job will consist of regularly dealing with all the people you made fun of in college.
A Guide to C[h]oosing Your Major (Issue 29) Part 3
Advice For Incoming Freshmen
Engineering– You should major in engineering if you have an interest in either building targets or things to destroy targets. After you graduate, watch the money roll in as you continually fix (or destroy) everything around you. It’s an insidiously cyclical system. Engineers are clever like that.
Astronomy– A major in astronomy means you want to spend the rest of your life explaining to people you are not a Pisces and don’t do horoscopes. This is also the major for you if you can look at a field of randomly distributed points and draw a line through it. It’s also fun if you like connect the dots.
Physics– Physics is a major for those people who want to sound a lot smarter than they really are. Physics is the major for you if you find it profoundly important to describe what would happen if you should ever come across a pendulum in an elevator.
