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Horoscopes
Issue 141: February 2024 The signs as Engineers
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Aerospace Engineering – Who else but the confident, competitive, insecure Aries would you trust to build the biggest rocket? We see you, Aries 😉 Call me
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Petroleum Engineering – The perfect engineering for those who are loyal, stubborn, and Just. Won’t. Go. Away. Just like the field they chose to work in. I mean… Climate Change who?
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): Chemical Engineering – These signs can do anything and everything, but they have no patience to get there. Chemical Engineering means they can set out to make it what they want and no one would bat an eye if they accidentally made a deadly mistake. It’s still progress, they made it and you can too, with only gasoline, a blowup doll, and 20 minutes alone in your mom’s basement
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): Marine Engineering – The Ocean, the second frontier. Marine Engineering means these signs can sit in the middle of the ocean alone on a boat, talking to no one and working on their favorite topic (whatever happens in the middle of the ocean).
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Computer Engineering – Take a field that starts small and works until it takes over the world. Dominating the other engineering fields, their confidence knows no bounds as they expand into more than just engineering. They reach their fingers into everything they can and “fix” all of the problems the other signs create
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Construction Engineering – Who else would create projects that take months? These perfectionists will redo their work for the smallest problem, so much so that what they do breaks within a few weeks of use. Why else would roads always be under construction?
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): Environmental Engineering – Libras with their empathy and indecisiveness… They care a lot about people but can never decide on what the e best path to take is. Solar? Wind? Nuclear? What is it guys, how do we fix the problems? Just make up your mind!
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): Nuclear Engineering – Only the Scorpios could make something so dangerous so elusive. they could make everything go boom with the push of a button, perfect for people more intense than a volcano of their own emotions
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Transportation Engineering – They work on 100 projects at once, starting new and ending old whenever they feel like, and run when the project gets too serious. Blame these signs when your roads and public transportation are struggling…
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Materials Engineering – Of all the people to tryst to make a goal and stick to it, it is the Capricorns. Their goal will consume their life and make them incapable of doing anything else until their task is done. They are unwieldy and will be mad when you mess up their experiments
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): N/A – These signs wanted to change the world, they had all of these thoughts and ideas but they spent too much time with their heads in the clouds to prevent them from actually doing anything about it
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Manufuacactutoring Engineering – They will make your day 100 times better when doing menial tasks like manufacturing, but if one thing messes up their system and day everything will be fucked.
Issue 138: October 2023 Romantic targets this Halloween
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Werewolf – Aries are quick to fall in love and show it to the world in bold and obvious ways. They like to have relationships move fast and often act as if the person they are with will be theirs forever. They need a “mate” who will match the energy of the impulsive Aries and love them at first sniff
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Minotaurs – This sign can be like a bull in a china shop. They are stubborn, rarely change their minds, and often hide their feelings behind a wall, or in a maze. They will take things personally and need all the tops to be pulled out if you want to get with them. Including luxury goods, beautiful things, and being totally and completely romantic
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): Pixie – These signs will talk your ears off. They have a ton of energy and need someone who can get on their level. They need to stay active, so a partner that bounces off the walls is perfect for these people
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): Vampire – Tough on the outside, but soft on the inside. You need to tread carefully and slowly when it comes to dating these signs and beware of the fangs if you make them upset
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Elf – Leos take big romantic gestures and magnify them. They want to be *the* celebrity power couple with grandiose displays of affection and old Hollywood style romance
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Sorcerer/Sorceress – Intelligence is the way to go for these people. They love facts and bonding over things that otherwise would be considered “nerdy.” They can be perfectionists and judgy, but only because they want it to be a certain way
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): Shapeshifter – These people will try to avoid conflict at all costs. They want a relationship to be perfect, rom-com level perfect with no fighting. Instead they will give you white lies to hide something and compromise to make peace
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): Succubus/Incubus – Scorpios draw everyone to them. They are magnetic and hypnotizing. Be careful of control issues and offset power dynamics, but enjoy the intensity and stares you will get walking into any room with them
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Demon – Loving freedom and adventure is a must for these signs. They want to be out doing things and trying new things. They can take control and will often not sugarcoat things. If you want to be with them, make sure they do not see you as a fling
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Gargoyle – Focused on success and drive, it can be hard for Capricorns to express or understand their feelings. If you know they want you, then they really want you. They will start off more traditional, but the longer you take to get to know them, the crazier they will seem
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Dryad – With a focus on the greater good and obsessed with helping people, these signs have a different way of expressing their emotions and might treat you more like a friend at first. They need their space and will focus on helping others. It might take a while for you to see their style of affection
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Psychic – Being incredibly intuitive, they will often know how you feel and think. Dating them will be like diving into the most beautiful section of the ocean. It will be fun and exhilarating with a partner who knows everything about emotions
Issue 134: April 2023 The signs as the signs
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Sign of the Times
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Sagittarius
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): Yield
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): Peace Sign
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Cosine
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): He hasn’t texted back in 3 weeks
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): Railroad tracks
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): Warning signs of dementia
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): No trespassing
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): My sign is “no,” my number is “no”
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Stop sign
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): American Sign Language
Issue 130: October/November 2022 The Signs as Gen X Hairstyles
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): The “Jason 51, likes to fish and hunt”
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): The balding
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): The side part
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): The “can I speak to your manager?”
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): The Karen 2.0
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): The Will Byers
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): The really, really bad toupee
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): Good memes
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): The “I’m not their mom, I’m their sister!”
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): The St. Francis
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): The bob
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): The “how did you know I got highlights?”
Issue 127: April 2022 The Best aspects of The Observer
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Fun videos
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): TikTok content to fuel the universal Tik Tok addiction
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): Informative articles
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): Aesthetically-pleasing color scheme
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Lots of coverage on stuff going around on campus
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Anyone can join
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): Swag merch (is that just the same thing twice?)
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): Good memes
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Always updating the stands during distribution
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): OVERNIGHT BRAINSTORMING?!
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Giveaway opportunities (we love free stuff)
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Cool executive board
Issue 126: Jan/Feb 2022 The Signs as Pre-Med Things
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Taking a 70-credit, “light” semester
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Self-diagnosing </3
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): Crying before, during, and after the MCAT
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): Crying before, during, and after PHYS 115/116 exams
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): The thought of dropping pre-med altogether after one inconvenience (e.g., Matlab)
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Putting every event ever in your color-coded Google Calendar
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): Having about 15 minutes a month to be happy
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): Explaining to Granny that you are not, in fact, a doctor yet
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): “It’s a beautiful day to save lives” laptop sticker
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): The impending doom of med school and her friend, Miss Debt
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Having a crippling addiction to… uh… caffeine, of course!
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): 3 hours of sleep per month
Issue 116: March 2020
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): As a fire sign, you’ll want to avoid flammable fabrics, lest you spontaneously burst into flames
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Anything beige, tan, or brown, and unpatterned to match your personality
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): Today, wear one outfit for each of your faces. Prepare for a couple of costume changes
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): Wear a nice hat today. Thank me later
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Beware of denim fabrics today. Your alignment indicates they could carry bad luck from your past coming back to haunt you. And whatever you do, Don’t. Double. Denim
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): With the upcoming Mercury retrograde, today you will definitely experience some waterworks. An umbrella and some rain boots are key
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): Let’s face it, you’ve never been good with making decisions, and when it comes to fashion, it’s no difference. Let yourself off the hook today and go commando
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): Today’s alignment will bring an unexpected change your way. When choosing an outfit, be prepared for anything
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Due to your wishy-washy nature, you tend to be unable to commit to a whole look. Why change today! Today, wear as many clashing looks as possible! Plaid and polka dots? Cheetah print and stripes? Give everyone else a headache!
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You know what you need to do
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Often, your black and white outlook and bland sense of humor (let’s face it) leave any look you try ending up drab. Today, spice it up with a splash of color
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Avoid open-toed shoes today. And ties, or any button-up shirts. Also wear a belt
Issue 111: April 2019
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): This week, stop physically fighting people. Broaden your horizons. Try psychological warfare
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): No Taurus has ever done anything wrong in their life. Ever
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): This mess is a week. Don’t try to fix it. Be authentically mediocre. Enjoy it
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): You’re not gonna feel like getting out of bed this week. Don’t. If Mercury can be in retrograde, you can be too
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Four planets are in retrograde and you tried loving people again, didn’t you? Stupid
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): You share a sign with Beyoncé. Do not disgrace your star family by doing anything stupid this week, or any week as long as you live
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): Clean your room, gremlin
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): Every single Scorpio can choke, actually
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Maybe don’t be the kind of person that gets bitterly referenced by someone’s E! True Hollywood Story this week?
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You’re probably not going to get anything done this week. But you probably weren’t going to call me back either, so I guess you’re used to being disappointing, aren’t you?
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Mars and Saturn are about to have a cage fight in your brain. My money’s on Saturn
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Everyone you know is really annoying, so this week, take some time off from being human. Watch Netflix, eat some French fries, unhinge your haw and screech from the roof of Crawford Hall
Issue 89: April 2016
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): A late-night text from someone special may set your heart aflutter this weekend, but beware–not every booty call is as bootylicious as it seems
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Although you may find that your input has been ignored at work for the past few weeks, the new moon is going to bring you a huge influx of ideas and idea-related stomach problems that will get everyone in the office talking
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): With the planets all travelling to the upper right hand corner of your star chart, this week looks like it’s going to be a doozy. Use this weekend to take a long bath, drink some wine and stock up on Nerds Ropes to prepare yourself for the week ahead
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): You’re emotions will be bouncing back and forth all over the place today, Cancer, but don’t worry: next week, the movement of the moon into Star Sector 3 will realign your heats (and the balance of intergalactic trade).
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Don’t stress the small things this week. Keep in mind that everyone has flaws; just because yours are so horribly egregious doesn’t mean that you should let them stand in your way
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Today is going to be wonderful for you, Virgo. Embrace the steps taken to get you to where you are, and look forward to the rollerblade pushes that will begin your glide towards the future
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): With a solar eclipse approaching fast, be sure to lock down your priorities and prepare for a possibly tumultuous week. And bury all your money in a gym sock in your backyard
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): You’re a creature of routine, Scorpio, but although you may think that you’re set in your ways, a scuba diving leprechaun is heading your way to show you the value of change
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Don’t worry if you’ve found yourself lacking motivation for the past few weeks. Your melancholy is just one piece in the never-ending cycle of sadness and destruction that our world has become in the post-Leonardo DiCaprio Oscar win age
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Although Capricorns sometimes tend towards introspection, look outwards is week and you may be suprised by what you see. You never know when you may find a tails-up penny on the ground in front of you
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Some people in your life may be getting you down, but try to look at the positives–we are all nothing but dust in the wind, and one day we will all fade away to nothing
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Try fishing
If you prefer the star charts with Ophiuchus, then the dates listed above are incorrect and missing one: Take some times to focus on yourself this week, because if you don’t take the time to clip your toenails, nobody else is going to do it for you
Issue 81: April 2015
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Happy Birthday since we’re in the month of April and all, but sadly, you probably won’t have a great birthday. It’s nothing personal, it’s just in the stars
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): You will be overcome by a terrible wave of regret on the 7th of April. You really shouldn’t have eaten that thing at lunch
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): On the 17th, just remember these four words: It’s not actually beef. You’ll thank me later. Or not. Probably not
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): I’m sorry but on the 24th your eyebrows will NOT be on fleek
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): On the 17th you will try to make ‘fetch’ happen. It won’t, so stop trying
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Watch movies with Joseph Gordon Levitt for good luck. Unless it’s 500 Days of Summer. Never that
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): Case squirrels will be extra sketchy on the 27th; only listening to Nickelback can save you from their wrath. I’m so sorry
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): On the 13th you will be approached by a man in a yellow coat in Thwing. He will hand you a brown paper bag with your instructions. Proceed with caution
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): As a fire sign you should definitely practice your firebending on the 23rd, it’ll totally work. Trust me
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): On the 28th you should abstain from Twitter. It really isn’t healthy to tweet that much about cats
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): For the month of April beware of prospies, squirrels and snow. They will bring you bad luck and four years of debt. Good luck
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Since that kid from “The Fault In Our Stars” is also a Pisces, you’re basically screwed into some type of tragedy worthy of a young adult novel. Sorry, I guess it’s just the fault in your stars
Issue 75: April 2014
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): April showers bring Mayflowers, but what do Mayflowers bring? Ignorance, ill will and oftentimes disease. Batten down the hatches for a less-than-stellar month
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Make sure your prank has met all federal safety regulations. The last thing you’ll want is a repeat of last year’s fiasco
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): You won’t need to lock your door this month since you’ve been acquainted with the neighborhood trespasser and you made quite the impression
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): Now that you’ve learned that Mentos and Diet Coke does work and that you should keep a safe distance after combining the two, you’ll begin to see clearly again. Until then, take care when crossing the street
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Although you recently received abysmal news from your professor, there is a positive side to your current situation… Okay, maybe there isn’t
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): They say an apple a day keeps the doctor away, but they didn’t mean for you to employ the Indians’ backup pitcher to hurl them at your physician. It gets too expensive
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): You’ll soar through this month like an eagle over a mountain, or rather like a man with a dysfunctional parachute over a cartoonishly large trampoline
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): You’ll soon believe anything is possible once you see just what duct tape, perseverance, David Bowie’s “The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders from Mars” on repeat and elbow grease can create
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): To answer the question that’s been on your mind, no, you cannot skate down Bellflower in just your undergarments and “GO CWRU” painted on your body. It’s not even football season
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Despite your better judgement, you’ll succumb to continued pressures to join the Ministry of Silly Walks. Your walk across Euclid Ave. Everyday just got a little longer and a lot more emgbarrassing
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Perhaps this month you should reconsider how you prepare for the grueling torture called schoolwork. Instead of sharpening your pencil, try your pickax, which will undoubtedly help you tear through the papers far more easily
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): So your parents will offer you to use their credit card for “anything you need.” This should be taken literally, and you should try to cover every open space in your apartment. Blank walls mean blank personality
Issue 51: October 2010
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You will be asked your major and year fifty times at the Halloween party, and never have a meaningful conversation
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): You will drink one too many beers, then realize that you called the RA twenty times in one night
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): Remember that on Halloween, girls sometimes dress as guys and guys as girls
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): Your insurance does not cover accidents with deer if the deer was actually a person wearing a deer costume
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): As much as you want to pull it off, wearing glitter does not qualify you as a sparkly vampire
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): You will remain a Virgo for Halloween
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): Going as a person in a dark hoodie is good if you want to spend the night in jail
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): Don’t trust all people in cop outfits
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Leutner food is always like that, it is not special for Halloween
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Go as Blastoise and you will get tons of ass…and make many people wet
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Learn from Mario Kart, cars do slip on bananas when the banana is really a person wearing a costume
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): That skeleton man has another bone when he looks at you
Issue 11: October 2003
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Many a false step is made by standing still. Get busy. Get low. Get yourself to a techno club
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Credit card bills got you down? Cut those bills in half! Literally. Then run with the scissors. At least you’re being consistent, dumbass
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): This month holds much in store for the worth of your life. Lucky numbers: 6, 66, 666
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): “The only way to have a friend is to be one.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson. Go give the next hobo you see on Euclid a hug
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): What’s your favorite scary movie? Get that sad homemade porn off the network!
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Your future is as boundless as the lofty heavens. Praise the Lord for Counterstrike and Cheezits
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): How dare you ?!? Expect a call from that puppy’s owner!
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): Happy fucking Birthday. Jeeves says so
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Physics got you down? Well, it’s not “Jerkoff’s,” but “Kirchoff’s” Loop Rule in Conjunction with the Right Hand Rule
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): The planets are aligned perfectly this month for the peak of your love life. Treat yourself to a new blow up doll
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Milk. At Leutner. That’s warm and foamy. Can it do your body good?
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Some of the best things in life are free. Too bad you got suckered into 100 buckaroos a pop
Issue 9: April/May 2003
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Next Friday, about that Chinese food you’ll think about ordering: if you eat it, they will come. That’s right, debilitating stomach cramps
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): When in doubt, just think, “What would Mr. Rogers do?”
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): Don’t even think about starting a rival humor publication. We are cooler than you, so you might as well submit to our will now. Thank you
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): Yes, that’s sick. Leave the poor squirrels alone! Sheesh, you’d think you were M.T. or something
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): You think our Springfest booth is the best. Ever
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Don’t hate the player, hate the lame-asses who spout off clichés, especially ones they have no business using. Ever
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): Whoa. You’d better not let your professors catch you doing that. Ever
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): Sometimes you feel like a nut. Most of us do, though
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): There will be a move in your future. Seriously
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Neither awesome programming abilities nor supreme physics problem skills will help you out on the dating scene. Try the acoustic guitar
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Don’t forget that inside jokes are only funny to those on the inside
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): You’re probably right. Seriously. Just quit being such a dork-on
Issue 8: March 2003
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): You will see people get blown up on the evening news
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): You will see people about to get blown up on the evening news
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): You will see what’s left after people get blown up on the evening news
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): People. Explosions. ‘Nuff said
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): You’ll wonder whether might makes right
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): You’ll think about writing a letter to a politician, but probably play video games instead
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): You’ll think about joining a political group, but probably join a club instead
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): You’ll think about volunteering, but probably look up Darth-SCSI instead
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): You’ll laugh and call this “liberal crap” – well, just enjoy people blowing up for no apparent justifiable reason
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): It’s ok if people get blown up as long as it’s supposedly for democracy, right?
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): As long as it’s not our people getting blown up, right?
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Why can’t we all just get along?
Issue 6: November/December 2002
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Despite your repeated efforts, you will not be able to gain a pen pal. You do realize that Halle Berry doesn’t even read her own fan mail, right?
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Just remember to dress warmly if you’re going to camp out for the opening of The Two Towers, ok?
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): You will think the local bands involved are being ironic when they announce the Holiday Suckfest Concert. You will get very excited. You will be disappointed
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): You will be tempted to find out just why the Easy Mac package says, “if cheese sauce appears thin, do not put back in microwave.” On a completely unrelated note, does the phrase “Three Mile Island” ring a bell? Ding!
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): I don’t know exactly what you did to piss off the hoard, but be on guard when a knock comes at the door. If he says he’s “Attila,” do NOT open it
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): You will find that neither the university nor the publishers of “Kiss Me Kate” will reimburse you for the Shakespeare classes you’ve taken here. You should not have taken them literally when they said “Brush up your Shakespeare/And the women you will wow.”
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): Updating your blog every fifteen minutes doesn’t mean you’re dedicated, it means you have a problem. Admitting it is the first step
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): You should resist all temptations to make any sort of calculus jokes. Seriously. Help make the world a better place
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Just remember it’s against the rules to run a business out of your dorm room. Especially that kind – is it even legal?
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): Do yourself a favor and get some culture. No petri dishes do not count. No! Neither does yogurt!
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): You will be inspired to stop just bitching and actually get involved with making a difference. Fight the urge – unless you’re sure you want to be different than the other sheep, baaa?
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Sometimes, you just have to swim upstream to get to the places that matter most. You know, if you’re a salmon, that is
Issue 5: October 2002
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Why are you preparing? You’re always preparing – Just go!
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): I’ve got a bad feeling about this…
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): Logic is the beginning of wisdom, not the end
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): You gotta be a real man to wear tights
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): So you see, evil will win, because good is dumb
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): When the lightning’s crashin’ and the thunder’s roarin’ and the rain’s comin’ down in sheets as thick as lead – you just stare that storm right in the eye and say, “Gimme your best shot, pal – I can take it.”
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): You feel lucky, punk?
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): The present danger is ended
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): Death is but a doorway, time is but a window
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): I’ll be back
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): It’s time for your appointment with the Wicker Man
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Look to your sun for a warning
Issue 4: August/September 2002
-Aries (Mar 21-Apr 19): Mars and Jupiter make an appearance. They’ve come for you – avoid strategy games or military recruiters
-Taurus (Apr 20-May 20): Stay away from the bathrooms in Crawford this month. Just you – but just trust me on this one
-Gemini (May 21-June 21): Do yourself a favor and shut off the Instant Messenger for once. Go outside and make your peace with the evil sky demon
-Cancer (June 22-July 22): Lucky with love this month. Unfortunately, you still go to CWRU
-Leo (July 23-Aug 22): Try something new with your hair this month. Please
-Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22): Even though it may be tempting, do not accept that “sounds too good to be true” offer. “Random collectible bronzed items?” Tsk tsk
-Libra (Sep 23-Oct 23): For a good time, call x1222
-Scorpio (Oct 24-Nov 21): This is your lucky month! But don’t rush to buy any lottery tickets – you’re just getting a few weeks off. Expect the harassment for being a dork to resume
-Sagittarius (Nov 22-Dec 21): No, it is not funny to refer to “the device,” “the plan,” or “holy vengeance” in an airport. But expect better lucky next month – when they finally let you call your family from prison
-Capricorn (Dec 22-Jan 19): You will have a perfectly, normal, perfectly fine, perfectly boring month. Damn you
-Aquarius (Jan 20-Feb 18): Your mother would be ashamed (and a little disgusted) if she saw you doing that. Pervert
-Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20): Avoid Squirrels – they are plotting against you