Dear AskAthenian,
First of all, I have to warn you that what I’m about to tell you may sound… strange. Oh well… here goes nothing.
You see, I live downtown. That’s my home address. I live downtown, down on Skid Row. Yeah, my life’s a mess. Well, anyway, I was walking in the wholesale flower district the other day (shoop, da-doo) because this old Chinese man sells me weird and exotic cuttings (snip, da-doo). When suddenly, and without warning, there was this total eclipse of the sun. As soon as the light came back, there was this plant sitting there. I’d never seen anything like it before. The old Chinese man sold it to me anyways for a dollar ninety-five (Sha-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la-doo).
So I took the plant back home with me, to my adoptive dad/boss’s flower shop. And let me tell you, I did just about everything I could to make that thing grow for me. I gave it sunshine, and I gave it dirt. But it gave me nothing but heartache and hurt! That is, until I accidentally pricked my finger on a thorn and some of my blood fell onto the plant. Well, the plant must have liked that, because it really livened up after that. In fact, the only thing that the thing seems to want now is more of the stuff.
And this is the part where things get really weird. One day, I was complaining about just how much of my blood I had to give to the plant to make it grow, when, well… it talked to me! The plant opened its trap, and it said, “Feed me.” Exactly like that. I was in shock! A bloodthirsty plant was talking to me, and it was hungry! I had no idea what to do about it. Then it started saying the wildest things to me. It started to tell me that it could get me anything I wanted! All I had to do was get it some fresh meat…
Well, so, I was thinking about how I could ethically source some “food” for my new “pet,” when my coworker Audrey burst into the shop. You see, I’ve kind of got a thing for her, but there’s not much I can do about it. She’s got a boyfriend, and he’s a real piece of work. He’s a dentist, and he’ll never ever be any good. He’s got this kind of weird sadomasochism kink thing going on. I mean, who wants their teeth done by the Marquis de Sade? But I digress. The point is, this guy is bad news, and he’s completely abusive to Audrey! And so that got me thinking. I’ve got this totally abusive scumbag who TOTALLY deserves to get whacked, and I’ve got a plant that needs to eat fresh blood. Well, I think you can do the math on that one.
So, AskAthenian, what do you think I should do? Should I save Audrey from this abusive asshole and my poor little plant from wasting away? I’m really in a bit of an ethical dilemma here.
Sincerely,
Seymour Krelborn
Dear Seymour Krelborn,
Wow. Just wow. I’ll be honest, that’s a lot of words you just sent to me, and I kind of dozed off a bit while reading it. Holy yap. But from what I did read, you have a chance to commit murder AND get the girl? I mean, come on, man, that’s a complete win! To be completely truthful with you, I’ve gotten away with a lot more for a lot less. And yeah, this dentist guy seems like a total freak; the world is probably much better off without him.
Now, the real thing we should be discussing is exactly how you’re going to go about doing the deed. You mentioned that you live on Skid Row, which is perfect. Let’s be honest, man, how many people randomly go missing from there on the daily? I can’t think of a better place for your little “accident” to take place. So what you’re gonna do is set an appointment with this dentist guy early in the morning. I’m talking right when the place opens up so nobody else will be there. You’re gonna go in with a gun in a brown paper bag, serial number filed off, of course, and right when he turns his back, you open fire. It’s a pretty simple plan. I can’t really see any reason it would fail, unless you break into song while having an ethical and moral dilemma or anything.
Think about it this way: after this brief little incident, you’ve got a happy plant, and you finally get a chance to get the girl of your dreams! You can’t lose! I believe in you, Seymour, make me proud!
With love,
AskAthenian