Bizarro Barbie (Issue 1)

Dear Sensei,

I have a problem. To be perfectly frank. I am butt ugly. I’ve got back, the cottage cheese kind, a set of fully-grown muttonchops, and I am growing something that resembles a horn protruding from my forehead. I used to think I was special; I mean seriously, how many people do you know with a freaking horn sprouting from their forehead? Nevertheless, I am considering surgery to make myself look like Chaka Khan. The doctor said that it would be easier to make myself look like Woody Allen, Sensei, What should I do?

Help, Bizarro Barbie

My Most Special Bizarro Barbie,

You have little heart. Let me provide metaphor. For bonsai tree, beauty not created after shears make last cut. Bonsai tree not made beautiful. The shears merely remove mask that hides inner beauty of bonsai. Bizarro Barbie, my least aesthetically pleasing pupil, you are bonsai. You must find beauty from within. I recommend three hours of tai chi at your nearest Bally’s Vic Tanny.

Hye, Sensei