Dear High School Freshman Who Works at Defiant Seagull,
As the CEO of a major corporation mildly suffering from the wretchedness of today’s economy, I can no longer afford to buy Vienna ice cream with small countries as stocking-stuffers for my kids. While we aren’t starving to death, I am in the process of discovering food substitutes (rubber-roast chicken cuisine, perhaps?) to serve the children. What is your expert opinion on this matter?
-Down to Merely 8 Jaguars in New York City, NY
Dear Down,
You may be interested to know that frozen meals offer a fascinating substitute for nutrients essential to the human body. After working 15-16 hour shifts, I sometimes need a snack. It’s so easy to sneak one of those Lean Cuisines away from the frozen aisle without anyone noticing. All I need to do is hide in the break room wiht my custom-designed silverware and Marilyn Manson rendition of “Tainted Love” cd and Winnie the Pooh visor and… ooh… somebody stop me! Yeah, I’m on a diet. That cute blonde from Phys Ed really digs me, I’m sure of it. She said she’d go out on a date iwth me if I could develop a 3-pack on the left-hand side at a 30-degree angle. She also claimed that she had the guts to stop ducking every time the volleyball was spiked over the net to her, so I remain somewhat incredulous of her. Maybe I can build up some muscle by lifting and stocking the crates of bottled water at Seagull; who knew tap water could be so much fun! If you can’t afford Stouffer’s, try Big Red chewing gum. Just make sure you don’t develop a lisp while talking with the butyl rubber in your mouth; a few of my friends have already started shock therapy for that sorta thing, but as a result have started to stutter on words such as “bagger” and “customer service.”