Ask High School Freshman (2003)

Twitching With Sophisticated Contempt in Pottawatomie, KA (Issue 7)

Dear High School Freshman Who Works at Defiant Seagull, Social etiquette has always been a matter of great importance to me. It bothers me to see people with nametags on the left side of their chest. If I try to read their name, I have to direct my line of vision across their body and […]

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Forever Disillusioned with Facial Glitter and Cher from “Clueless” in Key West, FL (Issue 7)

Dear High School Freshman Who Works at Defiant Seagull, My best friend and my boyfriend are up to something behind my back. On one hand, I don’t want to ruin my life-long friendship with Cynthia. After all, she is the one who introduced be to the joys of superficial, wait no, superdeeduper, teenie-bopperness. On one

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Down to Merely 8 Jaguars in New York City, NY (Issue 7)

Dear High School Freshman Who Works at Defiant Seagull, As the CEO of a major corporation mildly suffering from the wretchedness of today’s economy, I can no longer afford to buy Vienna ice cream with small countries as stocking-stuffers for my kids. While we aren’t starving to death, I am in the process of discovering

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Huffin’ and Puffin’ in San Francisco, CA (Issue 7)

Dear High School Freshman Who Works at Defiant Seagull I just returned from a business party catered by a Mexican food chain. Promoted up from peon status, inflated, and climbing the corporate bladder, I also have my hands full preparing for my first child, due in October. Meanwhile, I must deliver a Lizertorte cake with

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