Dear High School Freshman Who Works at Defiant Seagull,
Social etiquette has always been a matter of great importance to me. It bothers me to see people with nametags on the left side of their chest. If I try to read their name, I have to direct my line of vision across their body and it feels and looks awkward. The proper placement for the nametag is on the right shoulder. The direct line of vision when two people shake hands is first the eyes and then it drops to the right shoulder. It only makes sense to put your name where it is easily and discreetly seen and read. Is this too much to ask?
-Twitching With Sophisticated Contempt in Pottawatomie, KA
Dear Twitching,
I feel your pain. I have been both physically assaulted and coerced into looking at ugly people at Seagull. Confrontation with the incensed hobo who lives at the McDonalds down the street is never a good thing. For example (hey – transitional phrase! – 2 thumbs up for coherency!), last week milk was on sale for $1.68 a gallon. The first batch went out pretty fast, and before I could even lift the next crate of milk onto the aisle, this soccer-mom with a buzz-cut and her seven children tackled me, grapped and dragged the crate away from on top of me, and ran off to the self-scan machine. Man, those infants can be vicious, especially when they’re teething. Physically, I only had to deal with a few stitches; emotionally, I was scarred for life. Never before had I seen such a violent display of hunger play out. As for the self-scan, I think it provides those shopping in the “family-planning” section a wonderful method of payment that avoids the embarrassment. Sure, Seagull is cutting its costs in the meantime, but they’re only doing it to grant a sense of tranquility and privacy to the customers. Who’d want some pimply teenager who picks his face touching their box of Teddy Grahams at the cash register anyway? My last intellectual epiphany for the day: Defiant Seagul is supposedly at the forefront of caring for the consumer, yet I’m the one who has to deal with the rabid customer who wants to return his apparently ineffective Midol.