Objectified roommate living off campus (Issue 46)

Dear Crabby,

My roommates and I have been living together for nearly 4 weeks now, and I’m the only one who’s taken out the trash. I try to leave it for one of them to do, but eventually the whole apartment stinks and I’m the only one who does anything about it. I try talking to them about it, but they always promise they will eventually and don’t do anything about it. How do I get them to actually do their share of chores?

–Objectified roommate living off campus

Well, it seems to me that you have three options. One, you can stop being such an anal-retentive bastard. When you say the whole apartment stinks, it probably reeks of neat-freak asshole. Just calm down, okay? Someone will get to it when it needs to be done.

Two, you can stop being a pussy and deal with it through passive-aggression. Maybe move the trash to the middle of the kitchen with a sign on it that says “Take me out!” or something. Or else make a public ultimatum that if the trash isn’t taken out by next week you’ll, I don’t know, fill the bathtub with battery acid. Taint the water supply with a poison only you have an antidote to. I’m sure you’ll think of something.

Three, you can realize that this is probably them trying to send a message to you. Is there something about you that’s particularly trashy? Do you smoke Marlboro Reds? Is your girlfriend a particular breed of skank? Do you listen to 90s boybands? If so, it’s probably time to clean up your life. Switch to Lucky Strikes, stab the girlfriend, and convert your old CDs to Frisbees. You’ll see. Someone will take out the trash.