Dear Crabby,
My girlfriend and I have been together nearly a month. We both go to Case, so it’s natural that she has a lot of male friends. She’s very attractive, and I know a lot of her male friends are attracted to her. For the most part, I’m not jealous. However, she gets very physical with some of them. She promises she’s not cheating on me, and I want to believe her. But it’s hard. Am being unreasonable?
–Poor, neglected bloke from North Side
Are you a fucking moron? You call yourself “Poor, neglected bloke” but I call you “stupid wanker” when I gossip about this to my friends. Your girlfriend’s definitely cheating on you. In fact, I think I’ve seen her do it. Is she about 5’6”, mousy brown hair, blue eyes and pierced ears? That girl? Yeah, she videotaped herself having sex with some guy and posted it to the Case forum. There’s a Facebook group devoted to tracking her STDs. In a city known for its cheap whores, she’s about the cheapest. If I were you, I’d ask her if she’s cheating on you, and when she lies to you (i.e. reiterates that she’s not cheating), I’d stab her multiple times and light the corpse on fire. It’s the only way you can know you stopped the spread of her diseases. If you wanted to decontaminate the blood-splatters first, you might want to piss in her wounds. Just saying.