Dear Doctor Sex Rex,
I am dissatisfied with my current sexual existence, and would like to try a broader spectrum of experiences. How does one become a hermaphrodite?
Thanks,
Sleepless in Saskatchewan
Whassup sleepless,
A hermaphrodite, eh? Well I’ve never heard of that before but it sounds pretty fun. One of those Greek gods, right? I’m not sure what you need to become one, probably just some special clothes or something. You might try running to Wal-Mart and checking there. You know, this is interesting to me. I’m a bit of a wild man myself; maybe I’ll try it too. We could become hermaphrodites together. Wear some togas, eat some ambrosia, I’m all for that. Just let me know when you want to come over. I’m going to go make lunch now. I’ll probably look this up in the dictionary so I can know exactly which Greek god it is.
(fifteen minutes later)
Damn. Just damn. What the hell is wrong with you man? Dictionary.com tells me a hermaphrodite is “an individual which has the attributes of both male and female, or which unites in itself the two sexes.” That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever heard. Come on man, why would you want to do that? You want to be able to knock boots with a guy? What’s the point? Man, don’t ever talk to me again. I’m going to go vomit now. This column is over.
The oh-so-pissed off,
Dr. Sex Rex
…
Okay man, now that they’re gone, listen. I can’t print this part in the column or I’ll lose my job. I’m really into this thing. Even more than when I thought it was just a Greek god. I’ll do this with you, and then we can hang out. You know, “hang out.” I’m all about this two sexes thing man. It has so much potential. I think we can get it done in Yost Hall, I’m pretty sure the registrar does it. Meet me there tonight.