Dear High School Freshman Who Works at Defiant Seagull
I just returned from a business party catered by a Mexican food chain. Promoted up from peon status, inflated, and climbing the corporate bladder, I also have my hands full preparing for my first child, due in October. Meanwhile, I must deliver a Lizertorte cake with garlic relish to my wife in an unmarked parcel every night of a full moon day precisely at 2:13:54 AM. Needless to say, I am a very busy person. Do you have any suggestions on time management?
-Huffin’ And Puffin’ in San Francisco, CA
Dear ‘Huffin,”
Even toiling chattels such as myself must deal with these issues from tiem to time. For example, outside of Seagull, I spend my meager time in “paintball to the death” or working up a sweat watching Britney Spears on MTV. However, I too live a hard-knock life. Just last month my car was out of gas, and I had no willpower in my entire existence to haul it to the nearest BP. And I’m tired of having to explain to my math teacher why learning how to add and subtract decimals is completely useless. Who needs to balance a checkbook when Seagull is already dishing out the big bucks to me? What’s worse is when I come home from a long day’s work. The first thing I hear from my freaked-out mom is, “Ishmael Igor Icabod, you are not getting a bite to eat until you change your socks from last week and finish your biology homework!!” Ha, she doesn’t happen to know that I was born a child-genius for whom homework is futile. Only I can unlock the powers of a Bonus Card. As for the clothing that never reaches the hamper, who needs clean, fresh socks anyway when you can get those alluring form-fitting, foot-length nylons at the shoe store for free??