Man’s Best Friend

Dear Advice Athenian,

By some scientific miracle, my dog acquired the ability to formulate intelligent human speech, but all he talks about is how much he hates me. I fear I’ve committed a crime against God and nature and I don’t know what to do. Please help!

Sincerely,
Man’s Best Friend

Dear Man’s Best Friend,

Believe it or not, we get this one all the time. Without knowing your exact circumstances, it can be hard to say what’s best in this scenario. If you gave your dog buttons to mimic human speech, like those people on the internet, we would say you deserve it. That was a perfectly innocent animal that you decided to burden with the ability to articulate consciousness, and for that you deserve to be cast out from Eden as Adam and Cain, damned by the gods whose creation you defiled by your hubris. If, of course, your dog suddenly became able to talk of its own accord by some other means, then we advise you not to worry about it. Dogs at this stage of consciousness are often simply trying to find their place by testing their boundaries, like small children. Given enough time, this is a phase that will likely pass.

Sincerely yours,
Advice Athenian