Dear AskAthenian, First of all, I have to warn you that what I’m about to tell you may sound… strange. Oh well… here goes nothing. You see, I live downtown. That’s my home address. I live downtown, down on Skid Row. Yeah, my life’s a mess. Well, anyway, I was walking in the wholesale flower […]
To Ms. Tention, Do you have any writing advice? I need to write a very important letter for my school. I want to make it sound super official so that everybody reads it and agrees with me. From the desk of Eric K., age 69 Dear Eric, You did a nice job on this letter!
Dear Dee, Can you help me with my science fair project? [My science teacher] wants me to make a baking soda volcano but I wanna play Fortnite instead. I’m gonna be a Twitch streamer like Ninja when I grow up. Timmy J., age 10 Dear Tim, Only nerds do their homework. Get that Victory Royale,
Dear Dee, My teacher said I’m very smart. I can read at a 9th grade level even though I’m only in the 4th grade. My parents want me to skip to 5th grade because I get bored in class but I want to be with my friends. What can I do to convince them to
Dear Dee, I have a pet fish. His name is Fishy and I love him very much. Daddy said that Fishy went away last night. Where did he go? Johnny T., age 6 Dear Johnny, Fishy went to hell.
Dear Dee, I want to stay up really late like my big brother Jackson but Mom won’t let me! What should I do?! Savannah R., age 8 Dear Savannah, Have you ever tried Celsius? It’s a magical drink that will let you stay up way longer than your older brother. Just don’t let your mom
Dear Dee, My friends are making fun of me because I don’t know how to play Smash Bros. It makes me very sad. How do I get them to stop? P.S. I like playing the crocodile because he has big teeth and a cannonball. Ryder M., age 11 Dear Ryder, You main King K. Rool?
Dear Dee, I think there’s a monster in my closet. It’s very scary and makes screaming noises at night. How do I make it go away? Hailey S., age 6 Dear Hailey, Assert your dominance and make even louder noises. If that doesn’t work, knock on your parents’ door. Everybody knows that closet monsters are
Dear Advice Athenian, I found a blood sigil in our basement, candles and everything. I don’t know how he set it up without opposable thumbs, but I think that’s how it happened and now something is seriously wrong with my dog. He keeps saying things like, “This canine form is limiting,” and growling at the
Dear Advice Athenian, Thank you for writing back. I do not know how my dog came about being able to talk, but I am glad to know that he doesn’t actually hate me, and that this will pass. It’s just been difficult to hear since we raised him from just a puppy—a shelter rescue, no
